Some awesome satire in
this post (link broken, see update below). I think I need to add another listing to my blogroll…
But the chickenhawks can’t stop all of us! Daniel’s fiancee has a backup of his work, and I’m copying my favorite piece of Daniel’s, “Club Fed,” below. I don’t have his permission to re-post this. With all due respect, Daniel, if you object to this I’ll need to hear it in person or through legal channels.
Are you tired of your nine-to-five job? Have you had enough from your routine? Are you looking for respite from the tedium of a monotonous life, barricaded from reality behind the crumbling walls of derelict delusions of success? If you are looking for an escape from the downward spiral of every-day-life, then consider an interlude from depression and escapism; consider a sabbatical from the doldrums; consider Club Fed.
Club Fed (Federal Military Service) is a dramatic getaway from it all, where you can put concerns of your 401k and job security behind you. In Club Fed – just like any world-class resort – your worries will be half a world away! As a member of Club Fed, you will be transported to luxurious getaways in distant and exotic lands, where you will participate in any number of our guided activities, closely supervised by a specialized team of highly-trained “activity coordinators”.
Customized packages tailored to meet every need are available, but no matter where you spend your time in Club Fed, you will have access to our extensive and exclusive members-only amenities. At every Club Fed facility, for example, you will find an enormous array of all-terrain vehicles, robust enough to satisfy even the most intrepid off-road enthusiasts. Do you prefer to fly? Most of our special packages include aerial tours in any one of our helicopters; our’s is one of the largest fleets in the world!
If you enjoy athletic activities, you will be delighted with the fantastic selection Club Fed offers. Your “activities coordinator” will take direct responsibility for the development of your physique, and will provide the type of outstanding motivation to excel that has become a world-renowned trademark of Club Fed. For those who would like to pursue even greater variety, there are daily “boutique exercises”, examples of which include the Stairmaster Juggernaut, a grueling two-hundred foot ascent, burdened by a forty-pound “comfort vest” in temperatures that soar into triple-digits.
After a good day of the Stairmaster Juggernaut, it will be time to feed the body and mind. You will find that Club Fed spares no expense in feeding you. In fact, the lavishness of our meals has thrice prompted senate committees to examine how we can possibly spend such astronomical amounts on our food! And that is our commitment to you: we promise that each time you sit down to eat, your dining experience will be one whose price is on-par with that of five-star restaurants. With that type of investment, it is no wonder that our customers are constantly re-evaluating their expectations!
In the evening and after dinner, it’s time to retreat to your all-expenses-paid resort chalet. Accommodations vary dramatically, but almost always include somewhere to sleep. Your personally-assigned “activity coordinator” will be on-hand to provide guidance should you be at a loss for what to do. Club Fed guarantees that no minute of your day will be misspent.
As an added bonus for our Club Fed “regulars”, returning customers are awarded VIP passes, where – in exchange for assuming some “activity coordinator” responsibilities, you will be offered a team of indentured servants who will bend to your every whim. Customers who wish to can also apply to any of the managerial vacancies at Club Fed (but are encouraged not to since this can jeopardize the overlord-client relationship so integral to the Club Fed experience).
Our customers can choose from a variety of our package sabbaticals, but specials are now available for The Mediterranean (or vicinity). We are now pleased to offer free airfare for all Mediterranean (or vicinity) destinations. Furthermore, clients who select the Mediterranean (or vicinity) package will be awarded a bonus extended-stay, but this is a limited time offer. New slots are constantly becoming available for our Mediterranean (or vicinity) package at an average rate of two per day, so keep alert; you don’t want to miss out on this terrific deal!
Don’t take our word for it, though. Click on “comments”, below to see some of our client testimony, or add your own Club Fed story! Millions of satisfied customers can’t be wrong! Come experience Club Fed for yourself today and you’ll see why our motto is, “You’ll come for five years, but stay for six… guaranteed!”
Disclaimer: Club Fed is not responsible for any injury or death incurred while the client is under our purview. The client accepts all responsibility for his or her welfare. Club Fed food is not suitable to be eaten. Club Fed accepts no responsibility for loss of life, limb, or eyesight as a result of eating our food. Although Club Fed extends every possible opportunity to make living accommodations as pleasant as possible, Club Fed does not guarantee that they will exist. Each of Club Fed’s lodgings presents a real and grave fire risk, and Club Fed accepts no responsibility for loss of life, limb, or eyesight caused by the imminent conflagration or subsequent structure-collapse. Club Fed guarantees that you will come for five years, but stay for six. Club Fed reserves the right to make you stay longer. Club Fed reserves the right to your life. Club Fed reserves the right to reserve your rights.